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Nugget The Piping Plover Assassin
Nugget the Plover Assassin is available for hire with Nightly and Season Rates. Serving All of Cape Cod.
Bugget The Plover Assassin Senses Evil
Nugget's ears tremble in the presence of plover evil.
Nugget Patiently Stalking

The destiny of Nugget the Plover Assassin was forged on the 30th of May, 2009. Celebrating their victory at the closing of Nauset Beach, two dozen maniacal piping plovers attacked Nugget's human friends, pecking the eyelids and drinking the blood of several defenseless children. When Nugget tried desperately to help the poor children, the the plovers turned upon her.

Mercilessly, the plovers pecked and clawed at Nugget's tortured body for hours, stopping only out of exhaustion and boredom. Nugget was left whimpering to die in the path of the incoming tide.But the evil plovers hadn't counted on their prey's determination and resilience.

Nugget's body was pulled from the churning breakers by the founder of the legendary underground surfcasting cult MARV. He nursed her to health on Coors Light and chunks of rotting mackerel. As Nugget recovered she began tactical training in the searing winter cold of the Atlantic Ocean, honing her instinctive Beagle tracking skills and her Pug ferocity.

Snap Crackle Pop

Evil is born into the soul of the piping plover
The soul of the plover chick runs deep with malicious intent.

In time human pity overtook rational thought, and bureaucratic buoyancy prevailed. The piping plover protection movement had begun. Human presence was ordered illegal to protect piping plover nests. With the added safety afforded by human intervention, plover young evolved to focus even less on parenting. Free of external threats to their breeding grounds, the colonies further evolved so that only those of purest terror were able to propagate.

Plovers learned to willfully abandon their nests to destroy their offspring if they sensed that the young did not possess enough evil. This process is still not fully understood by science today, but observational evidence repeatedly confirms that some plover young die without any apparent physical causes.

Recent research cannot rule out the possibility that some young intentionally are sacrificed so that a second breeding cycle may begin to purposefully extend the beach closing for humans.

Nugget NapsNugget Chewing A Stick
Nugget Training With A Rope on Nauset Beach
Nugget Training on Nauset Beach.
Nugget is Pooped after a long day of wrasslin' plovers
Nugget is pooped after a long day of wrasslin' plovers.

If you are interested in reducing the piping plover menace in the Cape Cod Area, remember that plover eradication is best left to the experts.

Please contact Nugget The Plover Assassin. Daily and Season Rates are available, and results are guaranteed.

Nugget Flossing Her Teeth of Plover on a Seatbelt
Seatbelts make great plover floss.

Piping Plover Fun Facts

- A group of piping plovers is known as a "deceit".
- Plovers pretend to be weak and fake injuries to distract predators
- Conservation status: Piping plovers are not considered "threatened", they are in a category right next to "Least concern".
Source: http://identify.whatbird.com/obj/1001/_/Piping_Plover.aspx-

This is a parody. Harming piping plovers is illegal. Its a huge fine. You should never harm piping plovers or their nests.