Nugget The Plover Assassin - Protecting the pristine shores of Nauset Beach in Orleans MA and all Cape Cod beaches from the feared predator Piping Plover

Nugget The Piping Plover Assassin

Nugget the Plover Assassin is available for hire with Nightly and Season Rates. Serving All of Cape Cod.

Bred from the scent-tracking prowess of Beagle and the unrelenting bloodthirst of Pug, Nugget the Plover Assassin fearlessly protects Cape Cod beach goers from the dangers of the feared predator Piping Plover.

The piping plover, a plentiful nuisance throughout much of the United States, is making a dangerous return to the pristine shores of Cape Cod.

Threatening all around it, the cagey Charadrius melodus is rebounding in record numbers, laying many miles of sandy coastline uninhabitable by humans.

Nugget the Plover Assassin is well versed with the deadly methods of piping plover ingenuity. Nursed from birth on a solution of plover yolk and frigid seawater, Nugget grew up to despise the armies of plovers plotting around her on the grassy dunes at Nauset Beach in Orleans, MA.

Piping plover young possess great evil, and Nugget was often fearful, for she instinctively knew that Cape Cod Piping Plovers are among the most dangerous of all the tribes of deadly plover.

Nugget's ears tremble in the presence of plover evil.

Years of endless observation formed Nugget's respect for plovers' unapologetic grip on humanity, their total ownership of the most precious real estate of the Massachusetts coast. Nugget watched fearfully as the yearly plover breeding strategies evolved to purposefully extend mating seasons to further eliminate human presence from the plovers' summer vacation residence.

In 2009, Nauset Beach piping plovers successfully overtook the shoreline from late May through August. $180 ORV stickers became worthless. 2010 bore the earliest recorded cape cod plover egg on record. Environmentalists and beach lovers continued bickering. Piping plovers had mastered their tactics - now they had the humans fighting themselves!

The destiny of Nugget the Plover Assassin was forged on the 30th of May, 2009. Celebrating their victory at the closing of Nauset Beach, two dozen maniacal piping plovers attacked Nugget's human friends, pecking the eyelids and drinking the blood of several defenseless children. When Nugget tried desperately to help the poor children, the the plovers turned upon her.

Mercilessly, the plovers pecked and clawed at Nugget's tortured body for hours, stopping only out of exhaustion and boredom. Nugget was left whimpering to die in the path of the incoming tide.But the evil plovers hadn't counted on their prey's determination and resilience.

Nugget's body was pulled from the churning breakers by the founder of the legendary underground surfcasting cult MARV. He nursed her to health on Coors Light and chunks of rotting mackerel. As Nugget recovered she began tactical training in the searing winter cold of the Atlantic Ocean, honing her instinctive Beagle tracking skills and her Pug ferocity.

Nugget's wounds may have healed over time, but the mental scars from the plover attack proved far more a burden. Lost among dreams so terrifying she would tremble and howl out into the night, a terrible destiny came to reveal itself. She must protect humanity from the threat of the piping plover.

With training Nugget began to associate piping plover pheromones with their vocalizations, until she could understand their conversation both by sound and scent. What evil plans they had in store for humankind!

Despite being easy targets for natural predators and poor breeders of Darwinian catastrophe, over time selective plover misbreeding produced even frailer and more useless young. This evoked a pity response from some well meaning but misdirected environmentalists

Evil is born into the soul of the piping plover

The soul of the plover chick runs deep with malicious intent.

In time human pity overtook rational thought, and bureaucratic buoyancy prevailed. The piping plover protection movement had begun. Human presence was ordered illegal to protect piping plover nests. With the added safety afforded by human intervention, plover young evolved to focus even less on parenting. Free of external threats to their breeding grounds, the colonies further evolved so that only those of purest terror were able to propagate.

Plovers learned to willfully abandon their nests to destroy their offspring if they sensed that the young did not possess enough evil. This process is still not fully understood by science today, but observational evidence repeatedly confirms that some plover young die without any apparent physical causes.

Recent research cannot rule out the possibility that some young intentionally are sacrificed so that a second breeding cycle may begin to purposefully extend the beach closing for humans.

Current Federal laws require humans to avoid all contact with piping plovers and their young. For your own safety, if a plover is sighted, vacate the area immediately.

Listen for plover chirps when in known plover habitats - their vocalizations typically increase in volume and frequency as their evil is channeled. This indicates a state of heightened aggression, beware of attack. Plovers are most aggressive when nesting.

Due to the deceptively sinister nature of this bird, we urge you to NEVER approach nesting plovers. Piping plover young are thought to possess their greatest evil at birth; unborn plover eggs are still diabolical and often will attack without warning

Nugget Training With A Rope on Nauset Beach

Nugget Training on Nauset Beach.

Nugget is pooped after a long day of wrasslin' plovers.

If you are interested in reducing the piping plover menace in the Cape Cod Area, remember that plover eradication is best left to the experts.

Please contact Nugget The Plover Assassin. Daily and Season Rates are available, and results are guaranteed.

Nugget Flossing Her Teeth of Plover on a Seatbelt
Seatbelts make great plover floss.

Piping Plover Fun Facts

- A group of piping plovers is known as a "deceit".
- Plovers pretend to be weak and fake injuries to distract predators
- Conservation status: Piping plovers are not considered "threatened", they are in a category right next to "Least concern".
Source: http://identify.whatbird.com/obj/1001/_/Piping_Plover.aspx-

This is a parody. Harming piping plovers is illegal. Its a huge fine. You should never harm piping plovers or their nests.